Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash
The other day I was reading an article about the same topic, I couldn’t stop myself to re-evaluate my own thoughts on “why divorces happens". I understand every marriage has different issues and a few things like physical and mental abuse can not be tolerated to either partners but here in this article I am focusing only on people like you and me who is blessed with healthy environment but lack of awareness.
“Rajesh & Ragini fell in love and married at the age of 24 and got separated within a span of 3 months, followed by an ugly divorce.”
“Prateek was 28 & Parvathi was 23, they met through their parents, married and followed by divorced for a number of reasons within 2 years of marriage.”
“Sowmya & Sunil were married in US for nearly 4 years and got divorced after their 2nd child was born.”
All the above cases clears that we cannot say people get divorced because of Love or Arranged Marriages or couples who have kids will not get divorced at all. Just like any social drinker can become alcoholic anytime, people who seem to be best couples may get divorced anytime.
The most common blame we hear in recent years for divorce is because women are financially empowered and they have their own opinion, which breaks the houses. Whom are we kidding? We have seen many Working women who give their heart and soul in both work & house and let us not forget they are much more financially sound than one who is getting divorced, So, can we rule out that reason as well?
Another thing we most hear is, the divorces are clearly because of the couples who lack in “so-called understanding” in each other. Have we taken the term “UNDERSTANDING” very lightly? We think understanding means Mind Reading or knowing what goes inside the other person’s brain without spelling it out. Many of us have siblings, we are brought by the same parents, same environment but still we are different from each other in number of aspects And we fight to the core (myself and my brother used to be in our worst possible state of mind while fighting), We should ask ourselves when this can happen in one house, how can we expect mind reading to happen between two different people coming from totally different families, environment and cultural values?
The other issues like parental involvements, mis understanding in family may cause problems, but the commitment and willingness to be in the marriage between husband and wife can resolve the issues, but if someone says that was the issue, they might need more introspection to be done.
Then what is it?
It is important for every couple to know what is Marriage, before getting into one or after or during. Marriage is not just an event but a journey of its own for a lifetime but let us not forget life is not Marriage itself.
Every change we go through as a couple is a phase, it has its own challenges, Behaviour, needs, and Joy.
We need to understand the various phases of a life-long marital relationship.
- Honeymoon phase: Where you fall in love, where everything looks perfect and you do everything to keep the other person happy.
- Developmental phase: When you Fall out of love, you see the real person and start loving the person for what she/he is.
- Child-centric: When focus shifts to building family, All Decisions are made keeping family in mind.
- Mid-life: When major and unexpected changes take place, focus on earning money becomes a priority since the age of retirement is approaching.
- Empty nest: You are forced to bring back your focus to your partner since your kids have their own life, job, friends.
- Sunset years: When you can enjoy the fruits of your efforts and feel the warmth of togetherness.
In all these phases, the major Pillars of Marriage:
- Communication,
Being able to express anything openly, particularly emotions. When we express important things we believe in, it is easy for our partners mind without much hassle.
Sushmita is a home maker, since she does all the house chores alone day and night along with a toddler, likes her husband to come home early, so that they can finish dinner early, get the child to bed and spend some romantic time together (these thoughts are in her mind). And she says everyday her husband to come home early, that’s what he hears and that happens once in a while but without the following. Sometimes vice versa husband wants alone time which again goes in his mind but sushmita is busy with other things un aware of his intentions.
By communicating them in a right way can eliminate most of the issues, is’nt it?
- Respect
Accepting the differences and individuality of partners increases the love and partners feel safe to share anything with other, without the pressure of judgement.
- Trust
Which needs to be built on years of understanding and evaluating the actions of partner over a period of time.
- Commitment
An attitude that whatever happens we will fight it out together and not talk about quitting.
- Expectation
Expectations is the another factor which we need to focus on, which creates major problems in a marriage.
A girl from a very small age dreams to meet her prince charming who would not say NO to anything, Which she continues to believe with boosted re-assurance by parents when she asks to go out with friends and parents say “Not now, do whatever you want when you get married” etc., etc., Let us not forget boys, his mom would tell “We would get you a girl who will take care of you for the rest of your life” etc., etc., But once the “D Day” and first 3 to 6 months of Honeymoon Period gets over, the Darlings and Chinnus, comes to their own self, Husband who used never leave bedroom has to work for living, The Wife who used to get ready every morning with her full on makeup has to work in an office (if she is going) and do household chores on a daily basis (remember husband’s mother?). A certain type of an image which both were maintaining would come to a lower bar and actual nature starts popping out which would be difficult to accept for both of them. They keep Expecting the other person to be in a certain way with each other, with parents, relatives and friends, in bed, in many places without communicating it for a long time, frustration builts within and someday it starts the fights.
Experts say fighting is healthy, yes.. Cool right? I love to fight.. It clears both partners mind and let’s us to express our thoughts and feelings, But do I know where to end it? Or am I crossing the line or do I even say sorry after the fight? Does my so called ego becomes higher than my relationship? Do I see the other person as individual who has his/her own way of life?
When we Lower the bar of expectations from any relationship, even a small gesture of smile can create a spark, do you agree?
These pillars need to be developed and sharpened generally in the same sequence, and on a continuous basis.
Other pillars like Inter-dependence and space, forgiveness, sense of humour, taking responsibility, sexual and non-sexual intimacy, doing tasks together, positive strokes, honesty/ transparency helps us to know each other and defines the true meaning of UNDERSTANDING.
How many of us know these factors or at least some of them? When we get married how many of us knew what is marriage all about? Taking my own example, I knew only 10% of the above in which main thing like communication caused many fights between me and my husband.
Just loving is not enough, Expressing our love and demonstrating it, Giving the partner what (s)he wants not what i wish to give. We have to learn how to love and only then I will be loved And let’s not forget it isn’t a single time effort.
My guru Dr Ali Khwaja says, “Building a happy marriage is a constant effort, like nurturing a plant and making it grow into a strong and fruitful tree. Keep working on it, and be patient for the results”
“I cannot live without you” is a sure formula for disaster, But “I love you for who you are and we are better together” would take us a long run.
Please do share your thoughts and experiences.
